Culture :  Humor 

by Kevin James Salveson

If there's one guy we admire, a gent who's jibcut we like, a spirited rhetorical jouster with a wit so fast it makes lightning jealous, it is the Carolina's own Stephen Colbert. So, why not engage his legendary whip smart rejoinder machine on the Twit? Our thinking went. And that's about as far as it ever went.

 

Essentially, we sent him tweeted inquiry after inquiry, sometimes making fun of his utter rejection, sometimes falling into a pit of unrelenting dispair that took whole afternoons of bong hits to fully recover from I can tell you. One day (perhaps today is the day!) he is going to get around to responding, we're sure of it.  

 

Especially after his stonewalling has made our only responsible journalistic recourse an attempt at humiliating him in public until he submits. After all, how many times have you seen that strategy work?  Probably almost everytime it's been tried, I'm betting.  Public humiliation and shame are powerful motivators of human action!  Something in a man loves a good insistent berating from someone to which they owe absolutely nothing.

 

With that in mind, below find the questions we tweeted to Stephen.

 

(If anyone else reads this and wants to take a crack at answering them yourself, feel free to give your answers in the Facebook comment section at the bottom!)

 

#TWITTERVIEW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT BY EXTABLISMENT 

 

Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  19 Oct 2015
@StephenAtHome Bored since I won capitalism #Whatnow? #twitterviewing (tm) #Colbert ! 1.Whatif u run out o bic pencaps? Parker or withdrawal?

 

No response.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  19 Oct 2015
@StephenAtHome Stephen, I've concluded that you're no slouch. But sit up straight in your chair, you tend to slouch a bit. #twitterviewing

 

No response.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  20 Oct 2015
@StephenAtHome Q3:What to do when yr robots fail2 reply2 questions twot at u on Twit? Beat em or just deny em the juice they crave? #Colbert

 

No reply.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  20 Oct 2015
@StephenAtHome Q4:  Stephen, Who invited Dr. Disappointment to the tit party?  Serious question.  #Twitterviewing #extablisment

 

No reply.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  Jan 7
#twitterview @stephenathome failed 2answer.Very rude 4a guest Q: S, w network brass tying yr hands how do U eat? Through Straw or Trough it?

 

Failed to engage.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  Jan 21
@StephenAtHome #twitterview Step, u still got it! Q: do u keep it on ice at all times or can u wrap it in plastic and suck all the air out?

 

Would not ...or could not?.... respond.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  Jan 21
@StephenAtHome No misteak, love way u chew over every Q, grilling us 4 clarity, knifing 2 th meat of it B4 answering! A searing #twitterview

 

No correspondence.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  Jan 26
@StephenAtHome #doctorinthehouse I'm @ † roads. #twitterview w stonewalling prick S.C. As IV'r yrself, S...how do I bust his balls wide open?

 

Still waiting on this one.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  Jan 30
@StephenAtHome #twitterview Q10: S, every 1 brags about joining the mile high club. So what!? Would you consider joining the #MileLowClub  ?

 

Totally ignored enticing prospects.

 

 Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  Feb 6
@StephenAtHome #twitterview People you hired 2 write yr twitter jokes are failing / flailing and yr show lacks focus. R U #pandering? Call me.

 

Blown off.  Too bad, was willing to help his career doldrums.

 

Kevin Salveson ‏@Extablisment  Apr 17
@PopSarah Reading #Popmatters ona Sun afternoon. R-ticulz on 2 of my fav people in the whole world! @StephenAtHome + #Prince ! C-haoi spelz!

 

    At least Sarah gave the Tweet a Like!  Yeah Sarah!

 

 

Kevin James Salveson is the lead shouter for Pomona noise funk juggernaut The Undertoad.  (The fact that they broke up years ago doesn't seem to deter him). He convinced his wife that writing for a living was going to pay off in the end but now he's probably going to lose his home because he can't pay his mortgage.  For more of his writing visit www.ideasmilliondollar.com.
 

 

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A ONE SIDED-INTERVIEW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT'S TWITTER INTERN

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